Harry Potter and the Telemarketer From Hell
by BLGondor1719
Summary: Warning: This fic was written by two people with high amounts of chocolate in the blood stream and it was two in the morning. This should not be taken seriously. Do not try this at home. OotP spoilers.


Harry Potter and the TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL

Summary: read to find out what he did and find out what the TELEMARKETERS FROM HELL is trying to sell!!!

General: parody/mystery!!!

Introductions:

Warning: This fic was written by two people with high amounts of chocolate in the blood stream and it was two in the morning.

This should not be taken seriously.

Do not try this at home.

OotP spoilers

Hiya, I'm Becky, Lisa's cuz. Our story is in parts. Some of it is written by Lisa but most of it comes from me. Mine is the story and hers is the telemarketer's story. And like I said, it's in parts. And it will be separated by the ~'s.

My story longer summary: Dudley is being harassed by telemarketers from hell, and at his parent's house nonetheless. AND, he's only just turned 16. And, going where Rowling's books left off, Harry has lost his sanity and is now quoting stuff from my favorite movies although he thinks it's real and he doesn't know he's quote, unquote, 'quoting' them.

Please note that Harry's name doesn't show up in this story, just the story part, not the excerpts… this is an involved fic… you can be involved too, just e-mail us…. Anyway… like I said, he will be referred to as 'he' or 'him' or any other interesting pronouns I dish up.

To get involved: join us in the land of Gondor, there will be reference of it throughout this fic…. And let your insane minds work on overload. Send us your fav movies and/or commercials, tv specials, songs, etc… and if we have heard of them, we will insert a couple of quotes… maybe. 

~~~~~'s

Hey! I'm Lisa! Okay I am sixteen years old and live in the besterest state in the US of A… California. When I am writing fanfics with my cousin Becky I am teleported to Gondor (yes the place in the Lord of the Rings). Now let me just explain some things about this story and yeah . . .

Okay well Becky and I are both big Harry Potter fans and like after reading book 5 we started making up what we would have written and we were always cursing J.K. Rowling for killing off Sirius. So then Becky came to visit me and we decided we should start writing our own book 6. So we needed a title and we made up some funny ones, but nothing fit so then we just started writing and this is what came out. Of course we were bored and a little hyper from chocolate cake. 

By the way . . . it's like two in the morning. My mom just walked into my room and looked at us like we were crazy . . .no surprise really. 

Okay to understand my section of this fic . . .YOU WILL NEED:

a size two pewter cauldron, and you may bring if you wish, either an owl, cat, or a toad...

 ok just kidding…you really need

To have seen a lot of movies including:

The Grinch, Sleepy Hollow, The Lord of the Rings movies, the Harry Potter movies, Pirates of the Caribbean, and many others. 

You must also understand what time it is and how much caffeine I've had and the fact that I have been up all day on only 4 hours of sleep. 

I would also like to point out that I **DO write some of the real fic. Like I don't type it up I just am quoting random things and Becky writes them down, but you must understand this is how we are and its 2 IN THE MORNING!!!! Oh and we think things are funny even if you don't. **

Okay my fic . . . 

It's kind of from the telemarketers point of view, but then again it's not . . .if you read you'll find out it's most like The Weather Channel. This section has no point and nothing to do with anything really and like nothing to do with Harry Potter cause it's not supposed to . . . this section is also made for all the news breaks and commercials and all that crap. 

So I guess that's really it. I have nothing more to say to you . . . just read the story and enjoy it and if you do want to get involved then please e-mail us or write it in a review (Hint: e-mailing is better). We would love to hear other people's crazy ideas and suggestions so yeah. . . 

Oh by the way . . . the beginning summary and the beginning title . . . I don't know what they mean either . . . it's okay your not alone . . . and that was the beginning of this crazy mission/quest/thing . . .we get smarter, but we're also really loopy too. Also a bit redundant too.

It was cold. It was rainy and it was cold. It was dark and it was rainy and it was cold. It was very dark. It was very dark and very rainy. It was very dark and very rainy and very cold. Out of no where you hear "I DID THAT!" . . . but what did who do? 

HAHAHAHA you'll never find out cause "I'll never tell"

I was j/king this is the story about a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world and when she looked so sad and lonely there I absolutely loved her when she smiled . . .

Sorry got carried away . . .

Back to the story . . .

It was cold. It was rainy and it was cold . . . 

Dude you already said this part . . .

Oh sorry ok . . .

Um . . .

The phone rang and so someone answered it and on the other line they heard "7 days" and then the person who answered the phone said " I DID THAT!"

But what did he do . . . and what is the whole "7 days" thing about

You'll never find out cause "I'll never tell."

Ok maybe I will . . .but you'll have to stick around and read through all this crap   
  
MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA (Bowser laugh)

And don't worry Harry Potter will come into this sometime or another . . .well we hope . . .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Real story*   
  
The phone rang again, and being scared for their life, the Dursleys refused to answer the phone. So it was ringing and ringing and ringing… and ringing and ringing…. And ringing. And then it rang again. Then it stopped.   
  
They all sighed but all jumped when it rang again.   
  
Finally, the person upstairs snapped. "ANSWER THE DAM PHONE!!! OUCH!" Cause you know, he literally snapped, ya know….   
  
On one side of the (cold) room was his legs and on the other side of the (dark) room was his 'upper-half'. And outside the (rainy) window was a … we haven't quite figured that out yet…   
  
The occupants down in the living room glared at the ceiling and unplugged the phone…. but it kept ringing and ringing and ringing.   
  
"IF YOU DON'T PICK UP THAT FRIGGIN' PHONE BEFORE I GET DOWN THERE…. I WON'T TELL YOU WHAT I DID!" In all truth, he wasn't going to tell them anyway… but what worked… worked.   
  
And the ringing stopped.   
  
"H-hello?" Dudley answered the phone, Petunia screaming in the background.   
  
"Can you hear me now?"   
  
"Yes…"   
  
"Good!" And in the background…. People everywhere just wanna be free.   
  
"Sir…?"   
  
"Are you unhappy with your long distance program, well… we can fix that!"   
  
"Who ARE you?"   
  
"None of you beeswax!"   
  
"Beeswax… sir?"   
  
"Listen, if you don't appreciate me calling and offering a good… no… great! Offer on your long distance plan, then I'm wasting my time here!" There was a click then he came back on the phone. "Can you excuse me for a second? I have another call."   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Where did I leave off . . .it was cold . . . it was dark . . .it was rainy . . . I think we know that by now but just incase it really was dark, rainy, and cold it was actually like an extreme of all those to be exact if ya know what I mean . . . I don't think you do, but don't worry by the end of this you should get it.   
  
So during this dark and cold and rainy time there were these people with odd sayings . . . one whispered "7 days" another one yelled "I DID THAT!" and the other one was crazy and was talking to herself and was repeating "I'll never tell"   
  
Of course no one knew what they were talking about except this one dude who worked for AT&T. Yes indeed he WAS a telemarketer. You know those scary type people that know exactly when you are busy and call you to try and switch to well whatever they are telemarketing . . . cool big word!!!! . . .kind of like a stalker, but then again not really   
  
OK lets go into detail about this so-called telemarketer . . . if that is his real name . . . oh wait . . . it's not hehe ok I'm sry . . .   
  
This telemarketer well it really doesn't matter what he looks like cause hes on the telephoney . . .so he can look like the phone . . . for all we care . . . which in this story it seems like we don't . . . just always remember that it is dark and rainy and cold . . . that is the most important thing about this story . . . wait! Wait! Don't stop reading it . . . it gets good . . . well I hope so . . .i put a lot of my time and effort and life into this story and by golly you will LIKE IT!!!!!!   
  
Ok so . . . this telemarketer . . . he or she we don't know . . . well I do but "I'll never tell" hahah I'm just kidding again I'm sorrry . . . it's a HE hence the reason the other guy on the other line says "sir" uh duh!   
  
So his name is Mr. Beeswax. And he likes saying his last name a lot . . . the reason is because by golly is used just too often these days . . even though they don't mean the same things it is prudent . . . woah I think I just made a new word . . .oh wait sources say . . . I didn't . . . man!   
  
So this telemarketer was calling this family and the phone just kept ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing like 4 more times then it stopped and he jumped when it started ringing again. He thought he heard someone say, "ANSWER THAT DAM PHONE" but then he realized no one had answered the phone yet so it wasn't possible . . . and it kept ringing and ringing and yes indeed ringing. . .   
  
His thoughts about this saying were interrupted when the phone again stopped ringing . . . this time he heard . . . dun dun dun . . .well not the dun dun dun . . . it's a cliff hanger, but if you've read this far you might know what happens then again you didn't understand that it was dark and it was rainy and it was cold so who knows where you are . . .   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Dudley was put on hold… and if that's not a crisis… I don't know what is. Oh wait, crisis alert, Lisa lost her pajamas. Crisis averted, she found them. And she had the nerve to convict me. I never steal!   
  
Hi my name is Becky and I have a problem . . . List of things I have stolen…   
  
Harry Potter characters for this story   
  
AT&T telemarketers   
  
Verizon Wireless commercial's "Can you hear me now?"   
  
Brittany Murphy's "I'll never tell"… wait, that's Lisa that stole that one.   
  
'Beeswax', it's not my word.   
  
Ring's "Seven Days"   
  
And alotta other stuff too… but I'm not going to get into it now.   
  
Back to the bloody story… actually, it's not that bloody at all (compared to Sleepy Hollow), but…-oh just read the blasted thing.   
  
Dudley stomped his foot unpatiently for awhile before deciding that that was just way to much work and no reason to cause any unnecessary muscle sprains, so Dudley stopped and sat down.   
  
The voice from upstairs, you know… the angry one… that has a secret that he wasn't planning on telling anyone… well… it came down … HE came down for the first time in two weeks and sat on the sofa.   
  
His aunt glared at him but offered him food nonetheless. "Food?"   
  
"You stole the precious." He whispered.   
  
"Watch your tongue boy!" His uncle snapped.   
  
"You disturbs usss precious… WE wants to know whose on the phone…. yessss. We do precious." He whispered again.   
  
"Rrrrrright." His uncle said slowly. "Maybe you should get some fresh air, being stuck in that room for two weeks without getting out of bed or doing any strenuous activity."   
  
"Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor-"   
  
"What in the blazes are you talking about boy?"   
  
"The great eye is ever watchful."   
  
"Great…. Eye…"   
  
CRISIS again! We have a thief amongst us…. We cannot find the clicker! Oh wait, we found it, nevermind.   
  
Uncle Vernon scrunched his nose up… "What's that sme-?"   
  
"I feel it in the water, I feel it in the earth, I smell it in the air. DUDLEY!" He exclaimed, clamping a hand over his nose.   
  
"What? OH MY GOD! I GOT DISCONNECTED, WHY THAT LOW-DOWN, HALF-WITTED- (string of curse words) M. F.-ING IDIOT!"   
  
As you can probably tell, this language is extremely inappropriate in a NORMAL household.   
  
"Duders! That was extremely inappropriate for our perfectly normal household!" Dudley's mother exclaimed.   
  
"He's up to something." He muttered.   
  
"He's up to what?!" Uncle Vernon exclaimed.   
  
"Fine, keep your secrets!"   
  
"Huh?!?"   
  
"I know you have something to do with it!"   
  
And then the phone….   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
Okay I am back and ready to rumble!!!! Sorry all the crisis's got in my way from returning earlier to get back to the IMPORTANT story . . .   
  
So far we know . . . it was dark, rainy, and cold . . . and the telemarketer works for AT&T.   
  
For the list of things Becky and I have stolen we must now add:   
  
Many lines from Lord of the Rings   
  
And a reference of Sleepy Hollow . . .   
  
We are very ashamed of ourselves and we swears to do what you wants us to . . . we will swear it on . . . on the precious!   
  
Okay let me find out where I was before Becky started her never-ending story (that's stolen too)   
  
Ok so like when the phone like stopped ringing it was like because someone had like picked it like up . . .anyways like the telemarketer like talked to this guy and like he was like very rude to the poor like telemarketer. Then like the telemarketer got another call so he had to put the other guy on hold and switched lines . . .   
  
On the line to show you . . . On the line for your love . . . On the line . . .um I forgot the rest of the song, but don't worry your not missing out on anything trust me its not the best song in the world. . . on the other line . . .   
  
"Hello?" questioned the telemarketer named Mr. Beeswax (his parents didn't love him by the looks of his name)   
  
"Hello?"   
  
"Echo."   
  
"Echo."   
  
"I'm an idiot!"   
  
"You're an idiot!"   
  
Mr. Beeswax was alarmed he thought he was talking to an echo, but he was wrong . . . he carried on a very long conversation with the other voice . . . if there was even one there we will never know . . .the only answer he ever got back from the other voice was:   
  
"You're an idiot!"   
  
When he had had enough insulting for the day he hung up, but he forgot about the other dude on the other line so he picked back up the phone and dialed the number again . . .   
  
The phone did nothing . . .not a single ring . . . hmmm something must be wrong . . .   
  
Then his phone rang . . . even though it was off the receiver. . . this was kind of odd, but so many things were that he didn't take notice . . . by the way it's still dark, rainy, and cold (DON'T FORGET)   
  
He answered the phone . . .   
  
"H-Hello . . ."   
  
"Hi this is Mark with AT&T. I was wondering if you would like to switch to our family and friends plan? It is a very great offer and only at the price of $99.99 per family member and friend. You sound very interested . . . can I take that as a yes?"   
  
"Um dude . . .I've only said Hello. . . um family and friends . . . well I don't have any family I'm an orphan and my favorite song is . . .the sun'll come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun . . . well not really since tonight is very dark and very cold and very rainy I really don't think there will be a chance of sun . . . as for the friends I don't have any of those either . . . oh wait will you be my friend?"   
  
There was a long odd silence . . .   
  
"Well um Mark from AT&T will you be my friend . . .? Oh and by the way I work for AT&T too at least I think I do . . ."   
  
"Um Mr. Beeswax-"   
  
"You know my name? AHHHHHHHHHH STALKER!!!!!" with this Mr. telemarketer hung up the phone crawled on to the floor and curled up into the fetal position and started sucking his thumb when . . .   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
… burst into flames.   
  
"Holy Bageezas!" Dudley exclaimed, droping the smoldering phone to the ground.   
  
"Dudley?" Dudley's father asked, apparently not paying attention.   
  
"Dad… I don't know what happened… it just … caught fire."   
  
He had the slightest feeling of déjà vu, but it ended when his uncle turned purple and started to foam at the mouth.   
  
"This… this is all your fault boy!" Vernon yelled at him.   
  
"Oh, well… Don't spear me!"   
  
" Oooooooo, lookey pop! It's all small and wireless!" Dudley exclaimed.   
  
"Ohh, it's a phoenix phone. They burst into flame when it's time for them to die and they are reborn from the ashes…" He exclaimed.   
  
The little cell phone was emiting small, almost unheard ringing tones…   
  
"Awwww!" Came a course of 'Awww's' (that doesn't make any sense… but in Gondor, nothing makes sense… that's where we are, Gondor, lots of old relics, it's really cool.)   
  
Then suddenly, this really annoying tune came from the cell phone. You know, one of those (bad) song ones that usually wait to go off in the movie theater and then you get stuck in your head and lose concentration of the movie… Yeah.   
  
"Of all the f-ing songs, it has to choose that one?" Vernon said, clamping his hands over his ears.   
  
Unlike all the other people in the house, Dudley tapped his foot to the tune. Then, Dudley did a really stupid thing, he picked up the phone! Dun dun dun!!!!   
  
"Hello?"

   
"Good evening sir… can I interest you in our Family and Friends plan, it's jus $99.99 per family member and friend a month and you get a free long distance charge and a taco…"   
  
In the background (behind Dudley), Dudley heard, "Taco Hacienda, add some spice to your life."   
  
"No…"   
  
"Mexican favorites made fresh everyday, A flavor that's bright and unique!"   
  
"That's too bad…"   
  
"Taco Hacienda, add some spice to your life!"   
  
"Shut it, you!" Dudley hit him over the head.   
  
He momentarily started humming 'I Love Rock and Roll' loudly.   
  
"Um… yeah, like I said, the plan does have a free taco…"   
  
"Yeah, yeah, it sounds great, can you hold?"   
  
"Um.. okay."   
  
"Mom, can you shut him up? He's lost his mind!"   
  
He burst into a song… "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell! I know right now you can't tell. But stay a while and baby, then you'll see a different side of me."   
  
Petunia hit him over the head with a frying pan and he fell to the floor unconscious.   
  
"Like I was saying… how dare you call and make me listen to your dribble and stand here forever! I NEED A CHAIR!"   
  
  
*Will Dudley get his chair?!? Will Harry survive the frying pan incident? Will it help his 'condition'? Will Dudley actually turn down food? Well… I'll tell you: Yes, yes and no. Oh and as for the last question . . . the answer is no! and it drives him loco! Mwahahahaha!*


End file.
